Written by: Debbie Isitt
Starring: Scott Garnham, Scott Paige, Kathryn Drysdale, Ashley Jensen, Celia Imrie, Sydney Isitt-Ager
Rating: [0.5/5]
The lack of quality in Christmas films generally gets accepted and receives exemptions of standard criticism because they solely serve to invoke the feeling of the season. What they may lack in general filmmaking competence, they deliver in preparing one for the holiday many adore. Generally I can personally find some enjoyment in these films for that very reason, but occasionally some come along that terrify me in their lack of quality where no excuse befits their ridiculousness, and Christmas on Mistletoe Farm falls squarely in this category.
Hardworking widowed father of five, Matt (Scott Garnham) lives in London and struggles trying to do it all. When he learns that he has inherited a farm in the countryside and he takes his children there, he sees it needs plenty of work. With the pressures of work mounting on him, the village and his kids seeking to convince him to not sell the farm and instead stay there, because would bring a higher quality of life.
When starting Christmas on Mistletoe Farm, I never quite expected to encounter such a mess of a film. There are terrible Christmas movies and then there is whatever this one sought to do but in the process it made for a terrifyingly awful time not only because of its technical elements but the characters at the center of this all that will drive pretty much anyone insane with what they present to us. It operates as a film full of hijinks but with nothing to laugh at as it only raises concerns of what in the world the creatives behind this project thought they accomplished with this movie. Genuinely, I need to know what happened because calling this film a mess feels far too generous somehow.
Much of the issues plaguing this film begins when they reach this farm, and we have to encounter the dreaded Beano (Scott Paige). He lives on the farm and assists in raising the animals. He becomes this integral character in trying to convince Matt to keep the farm as well as take care of the kids. I do not joke when I say I would not let Beano near any children, seeing as the guy genuinely has this unnerving presence that gets played for laughs in the feature, but genuinely makes me question who wrote this character. Everything this character serves as this physically comedic performance and the kids all love him because of his silliness. It truly befuddles me what made everyone think this was a good idea.
In all reality, this film serves as a bunch of wacky people trying to show how small town living serves as the best option for Matt and his family. As a result, we have Matt as this straight man of the feature, just reacting to all the ridiculousness going on around him. He rightfully acts horrified at some of the things that transpire, while also sees the positives of what it takes. Where the film does not have a handle of itself comes from literally no one else in this feature living in reality. Even the bosses from Matt’s job back in London come across as this cartoonish bunch of boars trying their hardest to make Matt’s life worse during this difficult time. None of it meshes well together, which only makes the reveals the film displays later so much worse. We have these obvious dynamics at play, and it proves easy to decipher where things will go next, but the way it paces there truly grinds at the patience of even the most gracious person you’ve met.
Of everything negative I have said about Christmas on Mistletoe Farm, the biggest compliment I can give is that it’s not forgettable. Plenty of movies come and go, and you never think of it again. It will take a while for me to forget the horribleness of this film. Beano will remain a character I do not forget about because of the combination of him as a cartoon but also the hilariousness of him being a danger to these children and the film wants us to care for this man. This film will stand as one of the worst ones I have ever seen in my life, seeing as it has no redeeming values to it other than the fact that at least these individuals received a paycheck to make this movie, which I am glad they did.
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